Hi ladies-
Going a bit deeper this week on our Tuesday topic, but I am very very excited and interested to see what everyone has to say. Please go read this post
http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/confessional-fridays-being-a-sahm-doesnt-feel-like-work/
and the resulting comments if you would like, and then share back with us on your thoughts. We have already stated that we will be honest here, and have always written in a loving light, and I know we will do the same on this...so please, really type what you feel.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
I don't know how she could say that SAHM-ing doesn't feel like work. I see the differences in what she's trying to say, but to me, this home-all-day-every-day thing is WAY harder! Lately I've been feeling stifled and bored, yet I still want to witness all the development and kiss all the boo-boos rather than go back to the corporate world of no feelings. I see why some people want to work part-time and stay home with the babe part-time. It's the best of both worlds and what I planned on doing except E&Y ultimately didn't let me. I'm having a tough time because I'm always exhausted and looking for me-time these days. It's a contradiction, I guess.
ReplyDeleteThis person sees both sides and I don't think she's really saying too much. She admits that she's only home for 2 months and is "on vacation." I don't ever want to take my time with my daughter for granted, but there ARE days when I'm ready for her to go to sleep already. If I knew it were ending soon, perhaps I'd cherish it more and think about it differently. That there's no end in sight is frustrating.
I like the comments and how people discuss how they share childcare with their spouses. He's been working all day, we've been working all day. Share the evenings too. I think he has the benefit of at least a change of pace to the work. And it should feel more meaningful than whatever he's been doing all day at the office.
She's very respectful of everyone's point of view. I'm just tired of the argument really. I resent the friends I have who choose to leave their kids with others because they are so focused on their work. I don't understand it if they are doing it by choice. May as well not have had kids. But I'm still friends with them and I don't mention it. They make their choices as far as what's best for them and I'm sure they have their reasons as I have mine. I feel I'm doing the right thing.
Here are my thoughts...I may have more later.
ReplyDelete1. I wasn't offended by this blog post. I have read Esperanza's blog for about a year now and we have become "friends" and I know her heart about this. She wants so much to be a SAHM, and if you read her most recent post, it kind of puts this post into perspective.
2. For ME, RIGHT NOW, staying at home isn't as hard as working (teaching), but for several reasons- 1.) it's so much more fun, and I guess I associate 'hard' with being a negative thing. Of course, there are days that I am exhausted at the end of the day and get tired of the monotony of tummy time, but for the most part, I love being mommy to a baby- we stay so busy that right now the days fly by. 2.)Grayson isn't mobible, and with his developmental issues, there are unique challenges, but I'm not chasing him all over the place and keeping him from getting 'into everything' like I know ya'll are. 3.) He's a great sleeper. He naps, goes to bed at 6 and sleeps 12 hours. 4.) There's only one of him. If I had 2 or more kids, I COMPLETELY understand my life would be totally different. And I understand that he will be mobile one day and won't go to bed at 6 forever. I am CHERISHING these days :)
3. I don't understand why people get SO fired up about the SAHM vs. WOHM arguement. It's kind of like the breastfeeding vs. formula thing. Who the hell cares what someone else is doing if it's not causing their child harm and you are doing what's best for your family? If I'm not "working" as hard as a teacher right now, oh well. I'm not getting paid a salary, so why do you care that I sit and read blogs for an hour while my baby naps?
4. It's semantics- whether staying at home is a "job" or not just depends on your definition. It's certainly work and takes a certain amount of mental and physical energy to be successful at it, just as a paying job would.
You go, E! ha!
ReplyDeleteOnce I put some thoughts together, I will post.
So I have been thinking this whole topic over since I first read this post last Friday. Not only did I read the post, I lost sleep over the post, have talked to any other mother I know about the post, and even had Michael read it. Not because what she wrote was so profound, but the fact that it made me rethink what I do every day, and what I have done every day for the previous three years.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest, at first I was annoyed. Here we go again, the fight between mothers, we are our own worst enemies. And why? To what end? I think probably for the reason this person thinks she wrote this post, jealousy. It seems like "the grass is always greener on the other side". I think what I do is hard, and so does everyone else, as in they think what they do it hard, not what I do. Again FOR ME, and clearly that is the sentiment for the rest of this post, this is very challenging, and many days, come 4pm, I am exhausted and wonder how I am going to make it till 6 when M comes home. I was at first incensed, of course this is a job. If this is not a job, what do I do all day, and what do I say I did for x years when my girls are big and I return to work. Is this why people think a stay at home mother sits around and eats chocolate? (Hmm, just realized I am sort of all over the place, just stay with me here...) But as I have thought about this and questioned and talked to Michael, I see that it all depends on what you think of as a job. Michael does not see it as a job, bc a job to him is something you go to, someone pays you, you do not set your hours, you don't do what you please and basically the days are not free. As though for myself, I can do pretty much what I want every day, now that does not mean what I want to do FOR ME, but rather for all of us, I still have to get out of bed, feed two people, keep them entertained, stimulated, learning, safe, and then keep the house running and clean. So that is what I have really come to realize the last few days, that the reason this is all so very hard for me some days is because my personality is not one to be with people and on and needed 24 hours a day. I really really like to be alone, I like to have personal space, and I like quiet. I really don't get any of that in my day to day right now. So upon incredible reflection I think that is why I took offense to the idea that this is not a job, bc it is not like I am doing exactly what I want every day...yes, I have fun, and I am enjoying it, and would not have it any other way, it still feels like work. I should also mention that I come from the business world, where I did have some alone time, I had an office, I could make phone calls and eat lunch in quiet, even use the restroom, none of which happen ever now. Not complaining, really I am not, because I know this is a luxury, not a privilege and again, I would not have it any other way, but even if it is not a job, it is demanding and always busy.
I've just recently started following Esperanza's blog, and I have to admit that this post put me on edge. There are multiple reasons for that:
ReplyDelete1. I am SO SICK of being judged for being a SAHM. I really get a lot of crap from my friends - mostly those who don't have children. I know I should take their comments at face value (how could they POSSIBLY understand how hard I work?) but it gets on my last nerve. Yes, I sometimes nap with my son during the day. Which seems justified considering he still wakes up every 1-2 hours at night and goes non-stop all day. You can roll your eyes at me when YOUR boss keeps you up all night demanding a boob or a diaper change and throws fits all day when you pull him away from electrical outlets. GRR!
2. I was a little annoyed at Esperanza's tone... two weeks at home does not make you a SAHM expert. It's still a vacation at that point! Plus, at this stage, her daughter is probably super receptive to having mommy at home all day. I know there are a couple of days a week where I'm begging for play dates because my kid is sick of me, sick of the house, sick of his toys, etc.
3. I've had some of the worst jobs imaginable, and some of the worst bosses. But being at home 24/7 with Larkin is by far the hardest job I've ever done. And that's not an exaggeration. He is an active and demanding child. He doesn't sleep well, doesn't play by himself well, and insists on being attached to me non-stop. It's EXHAUSTING and very little gets accomplished other than tending to him.
All that being said, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a SAHM. That's obvious based on the sacrifices we've made for me to stay at home. I'm also very lucky to have a husband who appreciates the importance of what I do, and is about to begin working a second job so that I can continue. I'm hopeful to be able to continue staying home, and will probably find an extra source of income once Larkin gets a little older and more self-sufficient, whether that's taking care of other kids or doing freelance writing.
When I lost my job while pregnant, I was terrified but also so happy. I HATED my job, HATED my boss, and knew that the *four week* maternity leave they were offering (they didn't fall under FMLA guidelines, and - did I mention - my boss was a jerk). just wasn't going to cut it. And no matter how exhausting a boss Larkin is - at least I love the guy!
All of that being said, WOHM have my unending admiration. I COULD NOT DO IT - physically, emotionally or mentally. I'd be a basket case.
I'm having another revelation here, ladies...
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons I am frustrated right now has absolutely nothing to do with being a SAHM and everything to do with me not fulfilling my passions. When I am persuing creative outlets and really taking care of myself, I am joyous and fun to be around and singing and smiling most of the time. When I neglect myself, I'm tired, exhausted, sluggish, negative, annoyed. So I'm going to fix this pronto!
Lightbulb moment!!!
So sorry... that is related to this discussion because Esperanza mentioned not being filled up from teaching. We choose to spend our days where our priorities lie if we can. Sarah, I also had a baby who would not play independently very often and who needed constant carrying and cuddles. I am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Hannah runs all over the place and has quite the imagination and can play by herself much better now.
ReplyDeleteMy point before is that many people find the 24/7 care to be draining, but there are things we can do to take better care of ourselves. I get that we don't go to an office and all, but it's work for sure raising an entire person. And Erin, so true... you are caring for the family, not just yourself. Good point. I can relate to wanting time and space for myself bigtime. So much of our day is based on other little people.
I am not going to sink into negativity here. Rather I'm going to try to listen to what it is I need most, whether it be a smoothie, a few yoga poses, or a big action and lots of change. I know Hannah and Brian are happier when I am happier. I don't want to turn into a bitter woman always thinking about what I gave up. I agree that this is a luxury. I've just got to make it feel more like it!
Naomi-I am glad you had a lightbulb moment, I did too yesterday, about what I posted and what I was really missing in my day, and causing my crankiness. I am trying really hard to not get flustered and negative and just be here with them. And then take that alone time when everyone is in bed. Doesn't mean I won't be annoyed in a week, but for the last few days, my new outlook has helped us all to have better days.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts ladies, this has been a good discussion and I have been enjoying reading everyone's thoughts. Can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say.
I will not go in-depth because I'm distracted by listening for crashes, moving chairs, screams, etc. But.....if you are a mom who stays home with your children or a mom who goes somewhere each day for a job that pays, it doesn't matter - we ALL work our butts off. It doesn't matter your location during the day, if we have children, we are busy. Moms are on call 24/7, no matter where you spend your days. I have lots of respect for moms who work outside the home, but the same goes for stay at home moms - we deserve respect too for all we do.
ReplyDeleteSAHM moms. I have always wanted to be one. When I was a 3rd grade teacher and I would see all the parents picking their kids up, going on field trips with us, volunteering in the classroom, etc, I was so anxious to be one myself. Now that I am a SAHM for 3 years now, , I am missing teaching. However I could not picture my kids in daycare all day.. So not sure what the alternative is.. I am for sure, tired all the time , always looking for a moment to myself and totally out of shape.. I could only imagine I would be more of all those things if I was working.. When both kids nap at the same time, it is a glorious time for me.. I say to myself let me sit down for just 5 minutes and then I will: cook, clean, pick up toys, check my email, fold laundry, make beds, etc.. Good thing for me, there are not many people I can call that are up when I have 5 minutes to talk.
ReplyDeleteOn top of living in Scotland, I could not work here even in I wanted to with getting a work visa, etc, but I still feel stressed at home and need to accomplish something. I never really stressed when I was teaching. I loved teaching, my colleagues, the school and kids.. Every day was a new day. I guess that is the hard part of staying home. It is the same thing over and over again, I sometimes feel like time goes by slowly .. I do try to schedule some sort of event each day, but I still count the hours until Matt gets home for some help and some adult conversation., I get that he needs his downtime too, but he is fortunate enough to walk to work, so that is a little bit of cool down time before he walks into the chaos I have tried to not talk his ear off the moment he walks in the door, but then when I am ready to talk after the kids have gone to bed, I am tired too.. I always have high hopes to try and save all the housework to do after they go to bed. I am still waiting for that to happen…
I know these moments with two little ones will pass by and they will both be in school. I wil cherish the time with them but it is difficult for me doing the same thing..
Moms are always working, I agree. At home and at work, so I am not sure which I would rather be doing right now. I am just enjoying a little bit of quiet for a few more minutes
Good question Erin. I enjoy collecting my thoughts and writing a little report on them. I guess this is my something accomplished today